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| What is it about the first page of a new journal/notebook thing that is so amazing? I guess it could be the numerous blank pages that hide behind it, waiting to be the carriers of my thoughts. Or it could be that--God forbid!--if anyone decides to look in it, the first page indicates what they will find. Or maybe it could just simply be that the first of anything reminds me that it's new.
So what does the first page of the new journal read? "One Too Many." And before you say anything, let me save you breath and answer. It's for me to know and you to find out. But I guess that could indicate a lot of things... one too many all-nighters, one too many things to do, one too many disappointments, one too many missed opportunities. Either way, I realize, "one too many" is a bad thing. Because it's still--even if by one--too many.
And in the past year, my recently completed journal has recorded the "one too many"s. 2008, with all its ups and downs, was a rather complicated 365 days, filled with unused potential and mismatched attitudes. But 2008 is now in the past. 2008 is an old year. And in this sense, as it goes, "out with the old, in with the new."
I realize it's been 3 days into 2009 and I'm already excited about the prospective adventures and stories. I'm waiting for them to unfold! In these past 3 days, I've gotten more sleep and have felt more relaxed than I'd had in the past few months. I've been more honest about how I feel and dedicated to my plans than I'd been in the last month. And it feels so good. So if Page One of 2009 is an indication of the rest of the year, I say bring it on.
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| Dear You,
There are times when I still think about you. Yes, you heard me right. There are times when I still think about you. But after the initial wave of sadness, I'm filled with this intense apathy. Where are you today? It doesn't matter. What have you done? Well, my life has moved on as well. Really, when I think about it, does it mean anything whether or not we exchange words? Probably not.
I don't mean that in a horribly mean, bitter way. In fact, you know how they say, "I wish you the best"? Well, I wish you the best. The best in what you do, the best in whatever may come your way. But I also have a confession to make: sometimes, that apathy turns into a strange, engulfing anger. One that can, in an instant, ruin a streak of wonderful thoughts. I don't blame you entirely because I had my part in it. I'm pretty sure you've amplified that in your mind. But overlooking the role you played in increasing the distance between us won't close it. In fact, it makes it all the more difficult to. You disappeared, went to discover and experience new things. I tried on my end, but I can't do the walking for the both of us. You think you can twist your words to pull on my heartstrings, but in the end, I know the truth. You pretend to care but nothing in your words, nothing in your actions, nothing in your being shows it.
You think maybe you had too much faith in me, in my being a good person. But maybe I had too faith in you, in your ability to be a good person. By no means does this amount to you being a horrible one. I'm sure you've taken something away from what happened. My hope is that you can store that something, retain it and apply it when you need to. Because it's something you'll need eventually.
So yes, as you can see, there are times when I still think about you. Most of the time, I couldn't care less. I've got my own agenda to take care of. But when I do find myself wondering about you, I know that some things don't change. And every time, I hope you're not one of them. But we'll see. Time can only tell.
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| Wow. I don't think I've enjoyed where I am this much in a LONG time. (Does that even make sense?) For those of you who might not know, there was something Mr. Brown gave us at the end of Junior year: a set of "rules" for Life. And one of them was, "if you have the option to stay in or go out, go out." And for once, I took that advice, went out, and met a bunch of cool people. I like.
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| Wow. It's been a long time... so much so that I barely know what to say. I guess I could start with an apology: Sorry for neglecting you, Xanga. I forgot how interesting things could be if people would just get back into it. Okay, I'll admit that the whole "blogging" thing is waaaaaay past now, but it used to be fun. In fact, I think it's still kinda fun. What is it? Pouring out feelings and posting it up for the world to see? Maybe the world was just a tad bit more innocent then. Ha. Look at me saying this.
I have no idea how many people are actually reading this. Now that I think about it, it doesn't really matter to me. It's not about other people giving me feedback on what I'm writing/posting. Screw that. A thing of the past. Moving on.
So recently, I've been thinking... Why does it seem like I'm not doing anything at all. I feel like I'm in a void. No, wait. To be precise, it's more that I'm in this state of Purgatory between school and more school. I thought I'd never say this but: I'm so freakin' bored. Not that being back isn't a blast... because it's WONDERFUL. In fact, I wish I could be up here sometimes. But in the grand scheme of things, I'm just spending my time crossing my fingers, hoping something will occupy me for the rest of the time I have here. Is that too much to ask for? I'm still waiting...
Meanwhile, I guess I should get started on ordering books for next quarter and figuring out EAP stuff. Maybe if I stopped neglecting these things, I'll feel like I'm actually accomplishing something. Here's to hoping.
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| Two months after the last post, I have decided to come back for a brief moment or two. I don't know. Facebook just doesn't scream "BLOG" to me. Maybe it's because the notes are unnoticed and the communication of people block out Facebook's potential as a blog.
Sigh. Yes, I sighed. Hard to believe, huh? Barely a month and a half into college and I'm already anticipating a break. I never knew I could feel so tired. I guess it's one of those moments, eh? Perhaps. Or perhaps it's something more serious. Like boredom, for example. That's right. I'm bored. I think it might be due to the fact that there aren't that many cool people down here. I lie. There are cool people here. Just not enough who will be my friend. Lol. Like how I phrased that?
I feel like my life is being consumed by academics. I used to have it so much better in high school. Okay, again, I lie. High school sucked. Not because of the teachers or the courses, but mainly due to the cliques and popularity contests that were concealed behind such things as "Homecoming King/Queen" and "Class President/VP." Then, I come to college thinking things will be different. Ha! I'm just hoping those people who were popular in high school remain that way. Were popular. Maybe then they'll understand what it is to be out of the spotlight. It's not so bad, actually. But it's definitely different.
If we should all be so lucky...
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